Even before and during the period we live in as a community, there have been numerous parents tested by their children. Everyone’s test is different. Some with faith, some with gender identity, some with bad habits, but all these have happened, are happening, and will happen.
Why do I say this; because it’s very important to acknowledge that this situation can happen and that it could happen to us. This awareness prompts parents to be vigilant, guiding them to be careful not to err in their child’s education and upbringing, alongside their love.
I won’t prolong the discussion. After a conversation where I talked about these and similar topics and shared my personal experiences, I received a rather long email from an educator friend. I want to share verbatim a significant point from those lines dripping with knowledge and experience in this article.
In fact, my friend lined up several wonderful thoughts that could be shared in more than one article. I am grateful to them. Maybe I will do that when the time comes. For now, let’s read these lines together:
“There was even a high school student of mine who cursed her father in anger. No matter what topic I discussed, this child would somehow bring the topic back to parents and couldn’t accept or didn’t want to accept their place in Islam. It was very hard, but when I tried to open up the child, I saw that her mother was oppressed, that the father saw the mother as a mere domestic object and didn’t support her in any area she wanted to develop, on the contrary, he was an obstacle.
I would like fathers with daughters to read this carefully. I know this very well from my own life. Generally, fathers are much more respectful and supportive towards their daughters compared to their wives. However, a daughter identifies her position with that of her mother. If the mother is oppressed, the daughter becomes aggressive and starts life on the defensive against men, so
to speak. The sole reason for this is the necessity for self-protection and to find her own place.
Dear fathers, I assure you that the respect, tolerance, kindness, all kinds of support, and appreciation for success you show to your wife will start to heal your daughters. A child whose mother is confident will be confident. A confident child does not deny their identity, embraces their values, and carries them with pride.
Wherever I see a child with mature stance and thoughts, I have always observed a lovely conversation and atmosphere of respect between their parents. Wherever I see a happy child, their mother is happy. The same applies to boys. If there is respect, love, communication, and conversation between the parents, it is very rare to see the child go astray.
Please note, I am not talking about being a good mother or a good father. Being a good spouse seems to be the secret of it.”
It doesn’t end there. Our friend continues to express their knowledge and experience: “Dear Fathers, brothers! If your wife still makes the meals, if you don’t have a turn in cooking and cleaning at least once a week, if you don’t remember when you last did the laundry, sadly, your sons will also want to live the comfort you live, which is impossible in this era. No girl will allow this, and everyone who thinks about their child’s future peace must sit down, consult, and share home responsibilities according to their time.
Many may not understand what I write, maybe their egos will prevail and they will continue their comfort. But those who pay attention may have averted many troubles their child will face in life, teaching them to be responsible individuals.
It’s not too late, no matter how old your children are. Men start imitating their fathers mostly in their 30s. Be such spouses that when your children imitate you, your sons-in-law and daughters-in-law pray for you, not curse.”
Is it over? No, it’s not. Look at what they say, contrary to the saying “The female bird makes the nest,” they say, “The male bird makes the nest!” “We see that men are responsible for what we call men’s work, such as business, repairs, etc. Women are responsible for what used to be called ‘women’s work’ – cooking, cleaning, childcare. However, there’s a nuance in this age group; while men have maintained their masculinity, they have failed to be spouses. The same problem exists for women. They do ‘women’s work’ but being a spouse is a whole different matter.
If both sides fail to be ‘spouses’, then the problem is not in one person, and thus, the solution is not in one person either. But sorry brothers, it’s men who need to break this cycle, contrary to the traditional fallacy of ‘the female bird makes the nest’.
I am surprised by men who repeat this proverb. Did you think the leadership given to you by Islam is about having meals served to you and your laundry washed and ironed? If you think so
, I believe it’s not too late to reconsider. The leadership vested in you is actually proof that it’s the male bird who should make the nest, not the female. But men who expect women to solve this issue due to cultural codes will unfortunately have to wait longer.
This is not a competition, nor is it about being fussy or capricious; it’s about nature. Allah, who gave you leadership, knew that women would be shaped according to you, and therefore, it is you who must take the first steps for peace in your home.”
I think that’s enough…